A beautiful gift from Shawn's work in memory of Ryan. A play house for the local school in town. " Ryan's House"
I am a survivor.
I never thought I would make it through 365 days of firsts but I did. I have to say, my husband is the only reason why. "Blowing off steam" was a regular thing for me, well, both of us. It will always be a regular thing, that's our new normal. Calling one another if we are apart and just staying on the phone until the wave passes. I have read so many articles, have read so many books and met several people in our same boat over the past year. One thing that sticks with me is the nightmare that I am different now. Trauma is so isolating and it changes you. You are a different person and you become someone else besides yourself. For me, this has been my biggest struggle. I have lost great friends this past year but have gained amazing friendships that are rock solid. I understand that people don't understand what we have been through but that doesn't mean that it's ok to judge me, question me and think that everything is fine because of how I carry myself. Everyone has a story. Some people wear their heart on their sleeve. I am not one of those people. Before all of this, and even now, I could tell people I was so scared or nervous about giving a presentation for example. They would tell me they couldn't tell at all. I have always done well with hiding my feelings because I don't want people to feel bad for me. No one wants to be defined by their tragedy, nor should they be. So, you smile, you walk with confidence and then when you are alone or at home, comfortable, that is the time to crumble. I am telling you this because again, don't judge a book by its cover. Don't think someone is fine because of how they appear. I am sure as hell not the type to mope around wanting everyone to feel bad for me.
I'm sure you're confused why I titled this post what I did. I have such a rich and fulfilled life. When I think about it, it makes me cry. I often think how damn lucky I am to have an amazingly strong husband as well as such a tight small group of supportive friends, especially our family. It's amazing how you see, through an experience like this, who would do anything in the world to try to make you happy and you know those 4 people that when they say " call me anytime for anything even if it's 3am" you can feel the flutters in your heart of how #blessed you are. #blessed seems kind of annoying right? Like I often do, I read an article that talks about what exactly #blessed means or actually, the differences in the meaning for some people.
For me, it's not any "thing" but a feeling of love and strength that I know I have from my tight circle. I would like to say that they is nothing more powerful than being able to talk with someone and have them listen. Not hear but listen and not feel like you're being judged. Shawn and I survived this past year from supporting one another. We never judge one another or question how each of us feel. Our marriage has never been stronger (Although I don't feel like it was ever weak :) ) I often think about how in love I am with my life. You're probably thinking again how can someone feel like that after what we have been through. I guess it's the power of love and how love can save us and make us better people. I understand how precious life is and what matters. Do I care when Trevor poops all over me or if we are late to something. Not at all. Do I care that I have had a really really really long day wth Trevor, for about 5 minutes. Then I remind myself how I would have killed for this last equate its Ryan. It's all about perspective. Am I upset that Trevor pooped all over me? No, I'm happy his bowels are moving. No NEC or intussusception here, it's all about perspective. It's amazing the things people take for granted. I know this I surprising but I have learned to keep my mouth shut towards those people:)
Shawn and I were fortunate enough to get pregnant right away (thank you Ryan). We welcomed Trevor Ryan on May 22nd of this year. He came 4 weeks early but was healthy and everything has been going perfect. So we got pregnant right away which was amazing but very difficult at the same time. We were and still are grieving the loss of Ryan and had to now process bringing another child into the world. I remember trying to convince myself that everything will be ok. Yea....I was a wreck for 36 weeks until Trevor was born. It's amazing how many people acted like everything was totally fine now and this baby would make everything better for Shawn and I. That pissed me off. I hid my pregnancy from my family until I was 16 weeks, I didn't tell my team at work until I was 20 weeks and never told anyone outside of my team at work that I was even pregnant. I hid my belly in public as long as I could. I didn't want anyone to know I was pregnant because having to tell people I wasn't pregnant anymore after having Ryan early and then loosing him wasn't anything I ever wanted to go through again. I wouldn't wish that in my worst enemy. It was just easier this way to hide it. So many people didn't understand this. This was the hardest part- them not understanding. Well I should say, them telling me I should be happy!!!!! And that this is a blessing!!!! And it was meant to be. That phrase needs to be 86'ed. Thank you all of the Dr. Phil's of the world for your useless input and opinion that I never wanted. Moving on, that made me upset as you can tell....
I could go on forever about this past year but I did want to share this because I hope that if anyone you love or even know goes through something traumatic, I am asking you, please don't judge them or question their decisions. I can't tell you why I did the things I did on holidays or anniversaries. I was just trying to survive the day/event. Just listen when people need it and learn to bend and accept the new person that they may have become. Don't try to fix them.
Trevor is a true blessing from Ryan. I cherish every moment I have with him. I stare at him, aaaaaa lot :) There are so many characteristics of Ryan that I see in Trevor. I know Ryan is here with us. Shawn and I are so thankful and are loving every minute of being a family of 4 :)
Xo
Andrea
