It's 4:04am

I have discovered that I write these posts best in the middle of the night. When I try to write during the day I think about it too much since I have 1,000 things going through my mind. I found the last post boring and clinical and I don't want this blog to just be me throwing you weird terms and technical updates about Ryan. People want to know about Shawn and I too....I think :) 

One thing I really enjoy is coming to the NICU. The nurses and staff are so kind and actually fun to be around. They truly help make this experience a little easier and welcome Shawn and I like family. As much as we can't wait to take Ryan home with us at the end of this, I know it will be hard to leave. 

Ryan's blood cultures are still coming back positive. This is so frustrating and I wish I could make this all better. This little guy has been through so much already and everyday it rips out my heart to watch him be poked and touched as often as he is. I know everyone is working hard to help him but this infection needs to go. Hopefully we get a negative culture from yesterday and again today so we can get the central line. Ryan needs to up his nutrition and start to grow. Overall he is doing well and actually is doing much better with his new vent and his breathing has improved. 

A couple random thoughts ....Breast ointment and breast pads should be covered by insurance. It's insane how much these things cost and if A mom has decided to breastfeed it's like she is being punished for having to buy these necessities. I had to get that off my chest. 

Since Ryan has been born, my mind has shifted. People warned me that I won't care about certain things once you have a baby, Shari I know you are reading this, you were right. I'll leave it at that....

Saying goodnight is the hardest. I hate leaving him at night......I'm leaving a piece of my heart at the hospital. Since Ryan is in a little incubator, we can't kiss him or hug him goodnight every night. I just want to scoop him up before I leave and give him a huge hug and a kiss and squeeze him. Instead I open the little door on the side whisper to him that I love him, that he is doing a good job, he is so strong, that everything is going to be ok and then I kiss my finger and touch his body with it. 

That's all for today....or this morning.

Love Andrea Shawn and Ryan